And there could be no other way
Cause you're so vain
Your tired words are all the same
I would surely walk away
Callouses are forming on my hands, from swinging. They smell like a nosebleed. I'm not happy with my life. Many things factor into this, and I have been pondering for days what to write about first. I have come to a decision that the smartest thing would be to simply write about something everyone (well, most people) has already heard about.
I didn't graduate. People tell me that I have a difficult family life, that circumstances were beyond my control, that it's only to be expected
. Liar. I was perfectly capable of going to class, writing that damned essay, reading that book, taking that quiz.... I could've done it. I could've. [I've never associated you with straight A's. Sorry.]
It was my own EVERYTHING that stopped me. I had no reason to be there. At school. What was waiting for me there? No friends. No one to interact with. Just an empty backroom, filling itself with music, the shadows of the Girl I Once Adored
. That Renassaince Girl.
Everyone avoided the backroom
for some reason. Did my bitterness echo? Could they sense it?
Nobody cared that
Maybe not, though. I guess everyone (including me) is always so caught up in their own lives, it's hard to see someone else, no matter how desperate they are. I wish someone
had sat down with me and just... been there. Just asked me why I was so unhappy.
Maybe I could have handled not graduating. Maybe. I guess I guess I'll never know. The day I got the rejection
letter from YFU, I knew what it was. [...pisses me off with her stupid self loathing habits.]
I have no confidence in myself, but who ever did?
My heart broke when I opened that letter. I promised myself I wasn't going to be bothered by it, I knew what the fuck it was. For a couple days, I wasn't. I was okay. Naw, that's a lie. I was in shock. I went out and bought myself an overpriced-not-worth-it laptop to make myself feel better. I'm still making myself feel better.
Maybe I would've been okay, even with both of these things. Maybe.
But STUPID FUCKING MASHELL AND HER STUPID FUCKING PICTURES. The SAME DAY, SAME DAY, I got an envelope from Mashell. With her fucking graduation invites. How sad. How tragic. How heartbreaking. Another reminder of my failure. My other
failure. Stupid Mashell and her uncaring, spoiled, underage, wannabe sexual, not deserving of the title Ninja, spoiled, abandonment for Better Company. Stupid Ugly Mashell.... For never reading this... For not even being curious.... For not saying "hi".... For saying, "I love you"... When you don't....
This is my heartbreak. So intense, I can't even create a painting.
I'm glad. I'm glad I didn't go to Japan. I don't want to same experiences as Her. Never. [Maybe this is a sign, that you weren't meant to go to Japan yet?]
I didn't realize I was okay, until I was in David's truck and we were listening to Regina Spektor, Relient K, and The-DJ-Who-Should-Have-Been-CTron. I am glad to have had that experience. Thanks David, for including me and being a part of such a good memory. :)
Bitterness? Let me tell you a thing or two about bitterness.
I hope this community can help everyone to move on and become
Thank you for reading.I would surely walk away
If I wasn't such a sucker for you