(no subject)

i hate it how you say one thing, then do the other. i hate it how you say you're not happy, then say you are. you fucking confuse me sometimes, it really hurts sometimes. don't tell me you're through with me if you're not through with me. if you want to say something, don't fucking go to extremes and say its all bad and then turn around and say its not. communicate. its what normal people do. just talk to me about it rather than say things that end up hurting me and then making me happy, then hurting me, so on so forth...this kind of behavior is really sadistic.


stop it.
  • Current Mood
    confused confused

(no subject)

1.) hate me for "stealing" someone who is not yours.
2.) lie to me for months about someone who you said was going to marry you
3.) ignore me for someone else, completely exclude me from every second of your time...just when we were just getting along again.
4.) accuse me of trying to steal away someone who is actually yours, even though i am not at all interested in the dimwit.
5.) call me hurtful names, like "parking garage", "bowling ball", and i have grown responsive to "dumbass" if it is called thanks to you. you have no right to say those things about me.
6.) treat me like absolute shit even though i was the only one who was supportive of your decision to marry.

i cry so much over what we used to have, our friendship was good at the start. and why? why the fuck do you still matter to me after all that you put me through? maybe you're right. maybe i am a dumbass. fuck me for caring.
  • Current Music
    Crashing Down by Mat Kearney

(no subject)

its not that i'm pissed off at you...but that i am sorely disappointed. i truly expected better from you. fuck me for believing you were a good person. then again, how could i expect you to be honest with me, when you've been lying to yourself for so many years now. well i'm not going to play your pretend game anymore. i'm not going to call you a man. not that you ever could be, even after you have surgery and gotten a dick attached. you won't respect my wishes, then i won't respect yours.

what happened between the three of us isn't anybody else's business but the three of us, and our respective others. you promised me you wouldn't tell anyone, you PROMISED. so what else do you do, but directly tell everyone. you even told lori, of all people. she above everyone else, has no business knowing, simply on principle that she already calls me a whore for no warrented reason that she should ever have. you must think you are so incredibly clever. you aren't as perceptive as you believe. you don't know me. i don't want martin. i would never leave jake. not for anyone. so stop going around saying that i'd rather be with martin, because i don't. and stop calling jake a bitch. at least he's respectable enough to not gossip shit he's not supposed to. if you're going to gossip like a girl, then i might as well treat you like one.

i really want to just hit you in the mouth so that you could stop talking about things that you know nothing about, but i know that you'd just hide behind the police like the bitch that you are. as i've said before: i'm not pissed at you. you're not worth that kind of energy. i'm just disappointed in you.
  • Current Mood
    disappointed disappointed

(no subject)

i haven't touched my art book in so's been an object of hate and fear for me. it's just full of pictures, reminders of him. and i hate it, i want to destroy it, burn it...but i can't. as much as i hate what he has done, no matter how hard i try--i can't hate him. it's one of my biggest flaws, to never let go. it's hard watching the person you planned your whole life around walk away. i say that i'm over him, that i don't love him anymore, i don't care...but thats a lie.

about everyone, it's been a lie.

and i'm just so fucking pathetic for it. the one thing i've learned to let go keeps telling me to come back...and even though i don't hate her--really i love her--i just want her gone, out of my life. i find it hard to let her know that, because i don't want to hurt her, no matter how much she hurts me.

and whats more, this is a stupid attempt at a journal entry...i shouldn't be bitter.
  • Current Music
    Bleed Like Me by Garbage

Silly Shoes. (bu-dump WARARARA, RARARA) PEPPERONI!

And there could be no other way
Cause you're so vain
Your tired words are all the same
I would surely walk away

Callouses are forming on my hands, from swinging. They smell like a nosebleed. I'm not happy with my life. Many things factor into this, and I have been pondering for days what to write about first. I have come to a decision that the smartest thing would be to simply write about something everyone (well, most people) has already heard about.
I didn't graduate. People tell me that I have a difficult family life, that circumstances were beyond my control, that it's only to be expected. Liar. I was perfectly capable of going to class, writing that damned essay, reading that book, taking that quiz.... I could've done it. I could've. [I've never associated you with straight A's. Sorry.] It was my own EVERYTHING that stopped me. I had no reason to be there. At school. What was waiting for me there? No friends. No one to interact with. Just an empty backroom, filling itself with music, the shadows of the Girl I Once Adored. That Renassaince Girl.
Everyone avoided the backroom for some reason. Did my bitterness echo? Could they sense it?
Nobody cared that day week year.
Maybe not, though. I guess everyone (including me) is always so caught up in their own lives, it's hard to see someone else, no matter how desperate they are. I wish someone would had sat down with me and just... been there. Just asked me why I was so unhappy.
Maybe I could have handled not graduating. Maybe. I guess I guess I'll never know. The day I got the rejection letter from YFU, I knew what it was. [...pisses me off with her stupid self loathing habits.] I have no confidence in myself, but who ever did?
My heart broke when I opened that letter. I promised myself I wasn't going to be bothered by it, I knew what the fuck it was. For a couple days, I wasn't. I was okay. Naw, that's a lie. I was in shock. I went out and bought myself an overpriced-not-worth-it laptop to make myself feel better. I'm still making myself feel better.
Maybe I would've been okay, even with both of these things. Maybe. probablynot But STUPID FUCKING MASHELL AND HER STUPID FUCKING PICTURES. The SAME DAY, SAME DAY, I got an envelope from Mashell. With her fucking graduation invites. How sad. How tragic. How heartbreaking. Another reminder of my failure. My other failure. Stupid Mashell and her uncaring, spoiled, underage, wannabe sexual, not deserving of the title Ninja, spoiled, abandonment for Better Company. Stupid Ugly Mashell.... For never reading this... For not even being curious.... For not saying "hi".... For saying, "I love you"... When you don't....
This is my heartbreak. So intense, I can't even create a painting.

I'm glad. I'm glad I didn't go to Japan. I don't want to same experiences as Her. Never. [Maybe this is a sign, that you weren't meant to go to Japan yet?] I didn't realize I was okay, until I was in David's truck and we were listening to Regina Spektor, Relient K, and The-DJ-Who-Should-Have-Been-CTron. I am glad to have had that experience. Thanks David, for including me and being a part of such a good memory. :)

Bitterness? Let me tell you a thing or two about bitterness.

I hope this community can help everyone to move on and become better people.
Thank you for reading.

I would surely walk away
If I wasn't such a sucker for you
  • Current Music
    relient k

You start Shaking at the thought....

The old Power's house is being sold by the couple who bought it from them. I can hear a zipper undone in their yard from my window. Things echo.  They were showing a house to a young family. They liked the house. Someone said - but i don't know if i want a house that faces that one.

/No you won't ever get to far from me./

many are bitter. many kill bitter. many close. 

I could say that I'm lucky, I have a roof over my head. Many are homeless, many live in worse conditions. 

No. no heat. nothing clean. swimming in filth. bugs swarm. bees by the dozens. no light. cat piss. remnants of cars in both yards. no lawn. trash everywhere. my mother's crying. my whole life. Bitter can turn into something wonderful, and still be bitter. 

Now, my goal in life, even more than anything, is to buy my own house. Cause everything is collapsing here because of what my father made us live in.
  • Current Music
    Make Damn Sure
Bah Humbug

(no subject)

This is a ranting community. We enjoy happy thoughts, but not right now. Please respect other people's bitterness.

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